Do Affirmations Work If You Don’t Believe Them?
Do Affirmations Work If You Don’t Believe Them?
Five minutes before a big presentation, you’re standing in the restroom, looking in the mirror and telling yourself, “I am a confident, powerful speaker.” And with every repetition, the knot in your stomach gets even tighter.
For most of my life, I couldn’t say “I am a confident speaker” and mean it. I was the wallflower who would rather have eaten glass than speak up. At Hewlett-Packard, whenever I was asked to speak, I made an excuse so I wouldn’t have to. If someone had asked me to stand in front of a mirror and say “I love being on stage,” every part of me would have thought I was a fraud.
So, do affirmations work? They can, and I use them every single time I speak. But research shows that repeating a big claim your nervous system doesn’t believe yet can leave you feeling worse. The affirmations that help are the ones your nervous system can say yes to.
It takes some deep work to clear out the critical conditioning before your mind and body will accept hearing them. It doesn’t take long, but if you don’t do it, affirmations will be a waste of time.
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Do Affirmations Work for Confidence?
Yes, but they tend to help people who already believe them, at least a little. For people who feel deeply unsure of themselves, a big, glowing statement can backfire and make you think of all the ways you aren’t that.
In a 2009 study published in Psychological Science, researchers asked people to repeat the sentence “I’m a lovable person.” People who already felt good about themselves got a small lift. People with low self-esteem actually felt worse than similar people who didn’t repeat it at all.
The study makes sense to me when I think of those whom I’ve coached. When a statement feels too far from what you believe, your mind starts arguing with it. “Confident? Baloney. Remember how your voice shook at the last all-hands?” Each repetition becomes another chance to collect evidence against yourself, because we’re always looking for evidence.
Why Would an Affirmation Make You Feel Worse?
Because your nervous system trusts experience more than words, and one sentence is rarely enough to change what years of feeling unsafe in front of people have conditioned it to believe.
Somewhere along the way, your nervous system learned that being seen could be risky. For me, it was typically a client meeting where one extra person walked in, and my teeth started chattering. I couldn’t remember a thing I’d memorized, and needless to say, I didn’t get the account. I distinctly remember feeling so stupid and inadequate after this happened, which only reinforced the habit of not speaking up. Ug.
I watch brilliant engineers and executives argue with themselves this way all the time, and my heart goes out to them, because I lived this for years.
Your nervous system was doing its job. It’s a conditioned response, and thank goodness it can unlearn what it learned. So how do you unlearn a conditioned response? Well, it changes through your body feeling safe again and again, far more easily than through a sentence you can’t quite believe.
Often we think the right words will fix us, but honestly, the words only land when your body is calm enough to receive them. And besides, you shouldn’t have to argue with yourself in the mirror before you walk into a meeting.
Once you feel safe, add affirmations to boost your confidence.
What Kind of Affirmation Actually Helps Before You Speak?
One that feels true, or nearly true, in the moment. Sentences about feeling safe and giving yourself permission are much easier for your nervous system to believe than sentences about being brilliant.
Here are the ones I say before I speak. I feel my feet on the floor and take three deep breaths, pausing at the top and at the bottom, with the exhale twice as long as the inhale. With each breath, I repeat three times: “I am safe,” “I am loved,” “I will get the information I need, when I need it.”
Notice how simple they are. My nervous system can say yes to every one of them.
What I love about permission statements is that they feel true, so your mind has nothing to argue with. I also have my students use these: “I give myself permission to own the room.” “I give myself permission to connect.” “I give myself permission to speak well.” One more I love is, “I give myself permission to mess up,” so you don’t worry about messing up.
Then there’s the one we chant in class while marching around the room with a big smile and strength in our body: “I don’t know what I’m going to say, but it’s going to be GREAT!!” It usually gets everyone smiling and feeling optimistic about speaking in front of their small group.
How Do You Make an Affirmation Feel True in Your Body?
If you’re feeling constricted due to nerves, shake it out. Move, breathe, and settle, and then say the words.
I always tell my students, “You will never, and I mean never, think your way out of this. You have to move your body.” Honestly, it’s a waste of time to say an affirmation while your heart is pounding and your breath is high in your chest. When this happens, I would say, three times, “I give myself permission to be calm.”
This is where mirror work comes in too. Every morning, look yourself in the eyes, one eye at a time, with kindness and enthusiasm instead of judgment. Most people hate it at first, and I truly believe the more you hate it, the more you need it. We go into this in depth because until you can be at peace with yourself when you look into your eyes, you’ll always feel uncomfortable having other people look at you.
Saying three times, “I am safe,” “I am loved,” “I will get the information I need, when I need it,” into your own eyes is a simple, powerful practice in being seen before anyone else is in the room.
One of our clients, Bindu, said it beautifully: “I had no idea that I had this brilliance inside of me, and all I had to do was give myself permission to be brilliant, first.”
If you’d love to find your authentic voice alongside people who are just like you, Speak & Lead Like a Pro starts again in January, in person in San Jose, CA, or online.
Questions I’m Asked
Can I use affirmations right before a presentation?
Yes, that’s when I use them. Pair them with your feet on the floor and slow breaths so your nervous system is calm enough to absorb the words. Taking a breath and pausing immediately signals to your nervous system that you deserve to be in that room, and creates more presence and inner strength.
What can I say in place of “I am a confident speaker”?
I would use the statements that feel best to you: “I give myself permission to be seen," "I give myself permission to lead," "I give myself permission to own the room," “I give myself permission to be confident,” “I give myself permission to trust myself,” “I give myself permission to feel safe,” “I give myself permission to speak well.” One more I love is, “I give myself permission to mess up,” so you don’t worry about messing up. These work great before a job interview, networking event, social event, team meeting, or keynote.
Are affirmations enough for a deep fear of speaking?
For a deep fear of speaking, it’s important to get support because something from your past is continually getting triggered in your nervous system, and your body is going into fight, flight, or freeze. Unfortunately, reading books, watching videos, and saying affirmations will never get you feeling confident in your ability to communicate well.
If you’d like us to walk beside you as you find words your nervous system can trust, join our next free 90-minute workshop, The Speaking Workshop for People Who Dread Speaking Workshops. It’s virtual on Tuesday, November 10th at 11:00 am PT. Nobody is ever put on the spot. You’d be so welcome here.
I believe in you!
